A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
