Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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