i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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