just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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