Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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