All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
