respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
