She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
