I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
