Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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