and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
