ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
