Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
