She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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