It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
