I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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