You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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