Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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