Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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