my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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