this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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