i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
