so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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