No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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