K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
