ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
