I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
