I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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