I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
