...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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