While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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