With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
