I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
