i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
