you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
