I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
