I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
