a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
