I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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