Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
