I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my phone needs a breathalizer
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
