I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
