Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
