just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
