i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
