she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
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i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
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I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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