the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
