Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
