What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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