Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
