Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
