I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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