when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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