Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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