my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
