Sry I called you an 8
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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