either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
